Rav Yisroel Apelbaum – Parshas Vayetzei

 Rav Yisroel Apelbaum – Parshas Vayetzei

 

In this week’s פרשה, Hashem appeared to יעקב in a נבואה and told him “It’s time to leave the house of לבן.” יעקב אבינו worked for לבן for 20 years in the most honest way. After יעקב amassed a great amount of cattle with the מקלות, the פסוק says: "וירא יעקב את פני לבן והנה איננו עמו כתמול שלשום. ויאמר ה' אל יעקב שוב אל ארץ אבותיך ולמולדתך ואביה עמך" (ל"א: ב' – ג').

The פסוקים continues and describe a lengthy conversation יעקב אבינו had with his wife describing the need to leave the house of לבן. יעקב discussed how he worked for לבן in the most faithful and honest way and לבן constantly cheated him and ה' now told him in a dream that it’s time to leave. רחל and Leah independently agreed that its time to leave their father’s house. יעקב could have told his wife’s “it’s time to leave. ה' came to me in a dream and said we should leave”. יעקב instead wanted his wife’s to feel included in the decision. יעקב understood that its difficult for a woman to leave her parents home and therefore, wanted them to feel like they are choosing to leave.

When a person is involved in a relationship with someone, he must understand that there’s someone else in the picture. Involve the other person with the decisions that may effect your spouse even if you know what is the right thing to do. Validate your spouse’s feelings, make her feel involved. You can’t just think about yourself and what’s best for you.

The גמרא in ברכות 27b brings a story that the people of a certain town elected ר' אלעזר בן עזריה to be the new ראש הישיבה in place of רבן גמליאל. In those days the מנהג was to make the ראש הישיבה in place of רבן גמליאל. In those days the מנהג was to make the ראש הישיבה wealthy. Upon receiving the request to become the ראש הישיבה. ר' אלעזר בן עזריה responded איזיל ואימליך באינשי ביתו, I first need to ask my wife . ר' אלעזר בן עזריה   had all the reasons to accept the job and make the decision on his own. His family will be supported, they will be able to live comfortably etc. ר' אלעזר בן עזריה understood that the decision may affect his wife and he therefore got his wife involved in the decision. The תורה is teaching us that when you are involved in a relationship and you need to make a decision that can affect the other person involved, get them involved in the decision. Make your wife feel like she is involved with the decision. Make your wife feel like she is involved with the decision. This is true דרך ארץ.

Hashem Himself told יעקב to leave the house of לבן, yet יעקב אבינו first discussed the idea with רחל and לאה to make them feel part of the decision. יעקב אבינו was so sensitive to his wives feelings. He understood it might he hard for them to leave their father’s house. יעקב therefore got them involved with the decision and they agreed that its best for them to leave their fathers house.    

Rav Moshe Feinstein זצ"ל was very ill and he was told that he needed a fulltime aid in his house. Rav Moshe said “Before bringing someone into my house, you must first speak to the Rebbetzin and make sure she’s comfortable with having someone in the house all the time”. Rav Moshe was so sensitive to his wife’s feelings. In the 1950’s Rav Moshe’s Yeshiva M.T.J. was going through a financial crisis. The Rebbeim told Rav Moshe that if he doesn’t get involved with the financing they are going to quit. Rav Moshe got involved and the situation improved. The fundraisers felt that if Rav Moshe would be near them when they call the donors, they can give Rav Moshe the phone and Rav Moshe can talk to the donor and get a bigger donations. The fundraisers started to make the calls in Rav Moshe’s living room so they can pass Rav Moshe the phone. This lasted for 2 days. Rav Moshe said the Rebbetzin feels like a prisoner in her own home and stopped the fundraisers from working in his house. Rav Moshe understood that as much as the Yeshiva can gain from making the calls in his house, he couldn’t do it at the expense of the Rebbetzin. A person must be so careful to be sensitive to other people that you are involved with. Think about how your decisions or actions may affect the other person. Include the other person with your decision even if you are doing the right thing. Show a person the basic respect he/she deserves. Validate the other person’s feelings. We must understand דרך ארץ קדמה לתורה.  

All credit goes to the Rosh Hayeshiva